New Beginning!

I made it through my first week of school! My first night class ever and I actually am enjoying it! After all the nerves and butterflies, I couldn't be more happier!
Yes it's going to be a struggle... Now only working 2 days a week. But hey you have to do what you have to do to make it in life! :)
I'm definitely learning a lot about being an EMT! I can't wait to see where life takes me! Time to get cracking!

Who I thought was my whole world...

My biggest struggle that I've been dealing with for the past 3 months has been a break up with my Ex. Me and my Ex have been together for 15 months. We started dating March 5, 2011 of my senior year. Let me tell you I was scared when he told me he wanted to date me. I kept saying why me? Why would he want to be with someone like me? I was too afraid to let him into my crazy life. Afraid he would leave right then and there. But he didn't. He was a sophomore and I was a senior.... You can call us crazy, but we fell in love. He was and still is the love of my life. We had our ups and downs but who doesn't. God gave me him. He was my best friend... Its hard to find guys that can be your boyfriend and best friend all at the same time. We were happy and together for 15 months! I wont go into detail about what happened between us but what I will say is... Why do High School girls always find a way to get into your personal life? They always manage to ruin you. Constant rumors went around that were and weren't true... Did i choose to believe them? Not while we were together. Its hard having siblings in the same high school as your boyfriend. They told me things I knew they would never make up. I chose not to believe them. He never came around my family because he was always busy with baseball and theres nothing wrong with that, that's his dream!.. But make an effort to see my family. My mom didn't want us to break up, she wanted to make what was ever going on between the two of them right. That's when the madness of our break up happened. It was the longest 2 hours of my life. I just remember sitting in his house on the floor crying saying please don't let this happen. I don't want us to make a mistake we will regret. Thing got heated and we ended up breaking up when it shouldn't of happened. 

Its been Extremely tough :( I find myself being happy most days and then crying the next. I wish it never happened but obviously god wanted us to focus on our careers then maybe come back to each other later. I don't know what his plan is. I've been through hell and back. Hearing and seeing things I don't ever want to see or hear. Am I Strong?? Extremely Strong... Was I 3 months ago? Absolutely not. I felt like my whole world ended. I saw him last night with another girl in his car while i was running an errand with my sister... Not what I wanted to see, but I texted him this morning to tell him I hope whoever he is "talking to" or has a "thing" with makes him happy. I guess this is the first step in to really moving on with my life. It hurts really bad but if you love someone you want them to be happy even if its not with you. And I do more than anything. If its meant to be it will be. I have trust in God and I've been praying everyday for him to please keep me strong and help me find who I am. The worst pain hearing is he is now on to his next girlfriend with a girl he has only known for 2 days. This is a kid that said we cant be together right now... I want to focus on school and baseball... "Let me chase my dream and then ill come back and chase you".. More like let me chase the wrong girls, made bad choices and then ill come back for you. He has her wrapped around his finger... and she would do anything for him. I'm upset yes. But I'm trying to find a way to stay happy. I don't know if I could ever take him back after knowing everything I know now. Please make the pain go away. 

The one and only Me

Hey Y'all!!

I'm a newbie so please be patient with me...

To start I'm Courtney Rae Hawkins and I'm 19 years old. I'm a sophomore in college currently going to PPCC for Nursing. I am the oldest of 6 brothers and sisters and a girl just trying to understand who I am and what my purpose in life is. I wanted to start this blog to get my mind off of things going on around me and to write it all down and get it off my chest. To share with those that don't know what I'm going through or for those who can relate and would love to give advice or feedback. If you don't already know me, you should know I am VERY outgoing and love to meet new people! Ask my mom and she will tell you how many times she used to get phone calls from my teachers saying I wouldn't stop talking in class. What can I say? I love to talk!! I'm just a girl going through a lot and wanting to let it all out. You'll definitely learn more about me but this is a sneak peak! ;)