2013!

Hi all! 

Sorry its been so long since I've last posted... doesn't seem like life goes by that fast until one day you look back and its been 7 months since i last posted. Lets see the last time i left off i believe was when me and my love were only dating for 3 months. Andrew and I have finally hit the 1 year mark. Actually its been almost 14 months on the 10th. :) Life with him has been incredible! We have been threw the ups and downs like most relationship and we have learned from each other. I thank god everyday for allowing me to have such an amazing guy in my life. We have gone so far in our life from school to new job changes to life changes. He left Toyota almost a year ago and he is selling cars at a small dealership called Lake Side. There is talk that he might be running the fourth store, but SHH that's between us. Fingers crossed!! I on the other hand, have gone threw a tanning salon, lawyers office, chiropractor and a jewelry store and now I am at another tanning salon that is amazing! Ill talk about that later. As for school, I have changed my major to Business and it is so frustrating. "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!" 

Crave!

My life has changed in ways I never thought could happen! God answered my prayers and led me to an amazing man id like to call my boyfriend! We've only been dating 3 months but its been the most amazing months of my life! He treats me unbelievably well... As he likes to call it, treating me like a "princess." After everything I've been through, he's my miracle! :) I'm extremely happy and couldn't imagine my life without him! :) 5 months ago, I didn't picture myself where I am today.... But I couldn't be more happy where I am in life! I think this is it, I think he's the one! -Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers- :)

tHe CuRsE

I'm embarrassed to tell you whats been going on the past couple

days but here it goes...

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been struggling with what I would like to call..Test Anxiety. Why I have it I do not know. Its pretty much ruined my chances at good grades and a decent test grade. I was always the average student. Got 100% on all my homework but for some reason, when it came to taking a test... It was like my life was over. As you all know I've been going to school for EMT classes. We had our first exam last week, Monday I think. Studied everyday, went to the school at 3 to study with my friend until class started at 6. I was pretty confident... Knew the info, but when that test came, I freaked out and lost all the information. Knew I didn't do so well... that night we got our test back.. Failed it. In order to continue with the class you have to pass with a 75% or higher. I was crushed...

Our first test is worth 25% of our grade...because I failed, my teacher told me in order to pass, I would have to get a 90 or better on my next test. No way in hell is that ever happening. So I cried and thought about it a lot. I decided it was a better decision for me if I dropped the class, got my money back and went and tried again in January. I'm broken, I feel like a failure, and that I let everyone down. Mom always says, "As long as you know you tried and this is what you want to do, it doesn't matter how long it takes you, you will succeed."

Life isn't easy... Never has and Never will be. Keep your head held high and never look back.

Beginning of a thrill...

It's been a crazy few weeks since I last wrote. I started night classes in August to become an EMT! Following in my dads footsteps most of you would say! The most asked question in class that's been discussed.... Why are you becoming an EMT? Most people said because it gives them somewhere to start. Why do I want to do it? My da has been an EMT since he was 19. Growing up around the medical field is something that I'm interested in. Yea I'm little but when placed in a situation of saving someone's life, don't underestimate my size!! :)
I love helping people and being able to say I saved their life one day will be the greatest feeling in the world! I can't wait to see what God has planned for me!

New Beginning!

I made it through my first week of school! My first night class ever and I actually am enjoying it! After all the nerves and butterflies, I couldn't be more happier!
Yes it's going to be a struggle... Now only working 2 days a week. But hey you have to do what you have to do to make it in life! :)
I'm definitely learning a lot about being an EMT! I can't wait to see where life takes me! Time to get cracking!

Who I thought was my whole world...

My biggest struggle that I've been dealing with for the past 3 months has been a break up with my Ex. Me and my Ex have been together for 15 months. We started dating March 5, 2011 of my senior year. Let me tell you I was scared when he told me he wanted to date me. I kept saying why me? Why would he want to be with someone like me? I was too afraid to let him into my crazy life. Afraid he would leave right then and there. But he didn't. He was a sophomore and I was a senior.... You can call us crazy, but we fell in love. He was and still is the love of my life. We had our ups and downs but who doesn't. God gave me him. He was my best friend... Its hard to find guys that can be your boyfriend and best friend all at the same time. We were happy and together for 15 months! I wont go into detail about what happened between us but what I will say is... Why do High School girls always find a way to get into your personal life? They always manage to ruin you. Constant rumors went around that were and weren't true... Did i choose to believe them? Not while we were together. Its hard having siblings in the same high school as your boyfriend. They told me things I knew they would never make up. I chose not to believe them. He never came around my family because he was always busy with baseball and theres nothing wrong with that, that's his dream!.. But make an effort to see my family. My mom didn't want us to break up, she wanted to make what was ever going on between the two of them right. That's when the madness of our break up happened. It was the longest 2 hours of my life. I just remember sitting in his house on the floor crying saying please don't let this happen. I don't want us to make a mistake we will regret. Thing got heated and we ended up breaking up when it shouldn't of happened. 

Its been Extremely tough :( I find myself being happy most days and then crying the next. I wish it never happened but obviously god wanted us to focus on our careers then maybe come back to each other later. I don't know what his plan is. I've been through hell and back. Hearing and seeing things I don't ever want to see or hear. Am I Strong?? Extremely Strong... Was I 3 months ago? Absolutely not. I felt like my whole world ended. I saw him last night with another girl in his car while i was running an errand with my sister... Not what I wanted to see, but I texted him this morning to tell him I hope whoever he is "talking to" or has a "thing" with makes him happy. I guess this is the first step in to really moving on with my life. It hurts really bad but if you love someone you want them to be happy even if its not with you. And I do more than anything. If its meant to be it will be. I have trust in God and I've been praying everyday for him to please keep me strong and help me find who I am. The worst pain hearing is he is now on to his next girlfriend with a girl he has only known for 2 days. This is a kid that said we cant be together right now... I want to focus on school and baseball... "Let me chase my dream and then ill come back and chase you".. More like let me chase the wrong girls, made bad choices and then ill come back for you. He has her wrapped around his finger... and she would do anything for him. I'm upset yes. But I'm trying to find a way to stay happy. I don't know if I could ever take him back after knowing everything I know now. Please make the pain go away. 

The one and only Me

Hey Y'all!!

I'm a newbie so please be patient with me...

To start I'm Courtney Rae Hawkins and I'm 19 years old. I'm a sophomore in college currently going to PPCC for Nursing. I am the oldest of 6 brothers and sisters and a girl just trying to understand who I am and what my purpose in life is. I wanted to start this blog to get my mind off of things going on around me and to write it all down and get it off my chest. To share with those that don't know what I'm going through or for those who can relate and would love to give advice or feedback. If you don't already know me, you should know I am VERY outgoing and love to meet new people! Ask my mom and she will tell you how many times she used to get phone calls from my teachers saying I wouldn't stop talking in class. What can I say? I love to talk!! I'm just a girl going through a lot and wanting to let it all out. You'll definitely learn more about me but this is a sneak peak! ;)